Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Ashley's DeadJournal:

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Monday, April 17th, 2006
9:11 pm	I keep waiting to explode... Everything is wrong, wrong, wrong. Hm, so maybe I'm being a bit melodramatic. But honestly, things aren't great at the current moment. My best friend, the person I've known for seven years of my life just decided she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I'm so heartbroken. There's a picture of us at the beach last year sitting to my right and I wonder when did things change? Yeah, it's been hard not seeing each other and what not, but to not want to be my friend? It came out of nowhere. Then there's Bryan and I honestly don't know what to do about him at all. He likes me and I like him, but to just be friends with benefits, I don't know if that's what I want. I think...I'm too independent for a boyfriend. I think I'm too used to being single that I don't know how to act when a boy actually wants to be with me. I keep stringing him along and I feel bad about that. College is going alright. Classes are over next week and I'm so ready. I have no motivation left in me. It all seems so surreal that I'm just about to finish my first year of college. Oh my. I don't know how I feel about going back to Peru for a whole summer. I have such mixed feelings, especially now that Nina and I aren't friends any more. I wish I could just stay here and take pictures with Clint all summer long. Things can only get better. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Maps-Yeah Yeah Yeahs (1 learned to fly | take these broken wings)
Monday, January 16th, 2006
1:32 pm	Your friends hold the lullabies... Last night was pretty much fucked up. So around 4am the fire alarm went off. After going up and down 13 flights of stairs and standing out in the cold, I was back in my bed but could not sleep. So, I'm just laying there thinking the most outlandish and strange thoughts, ranging from Nina and I's soundtrack to life, to the way I sleep being symbolic of how I live my life. Oh my god, seriously, it's the kind of thought process one has when one is high on drugs. Anyways, I find it kind of weird that I'm homesick this semester but last semester I was just fine. I miss my friends. I think that is the major part of it. I went from having a friend with me almost every night for three weeks to just having aquaintances. It sucks. It's like coming down from an amazing high. I miss Luke like whoa. I like the way I feel around him. He's non-threatening. I'm never afraid he's just going to pounce on me, or invite me over for a movie just to try and get in my pants. Hm, I got a job down at the eatery. I guess that's exciting. I start tomorrow at six in the friggin morning. Suck. But my co-workers include Tristan and coffee guy. Sweet. Speaking of Tristan, he invited me to his film screening on Wednesday, but I'm not sure I want to go sit by myself and look like a loser. We'll see how work goes tomorrow and then I'll decide. I seriously need to make some friends here. It's so damn depressing not to have someone to sit and talk about important things with. I finished my first paper of the semester! Only four more to go. Things are just going to get better. I know it, or at least I hope it. Current Mood: okay Current Music: Elegy for Elsabet-The Weakerthans (1 learned to fly | take these broken wings)
Friday, December 30th, 2005
1:28 pm	I got you, I got you on my mind.... Okay, so I know I haven't updated in forever. But to be fair my laptop at school died, so I was without a computer since Thanksgiving. Anyways, life has mainly been good. Nina and I have been fighting quite a lot. Tristan, a boy who I liked and thought maybe liked me ended up having a boyfriend. But progress was being made with my coffee guy. My crush on Luke refuses to die and it turns out both of us will be spending New Year's together so we'll see if I get a kiss at midnight. Maybe the alcohol will make me braver? How have you all been? Well now as tradition dictates, my 2005 meme. ( So you want to know about my 2005 ) Current Mood: anxious Current Music: I Want You To Know-Chantal Kreviazuk (2 learned to fly | take these broken wings)
Friday, October 28th, 2005
2:45 pm	Growing up and other related things... So college has been going alright. It's so stragne not seeing my Peru girls every single day and I surprisingly miss working at DQ. But when I go home for break I'll be able to work a few shifts which will be nice. I haven't been home since my last entry and that's strange. I won't go home til a few days before Thanksgiving. It will be so weird to be back in Peru. It's not my home anymore and I don't know how I feel about that. I'm just drifting away from a life I knew so well into this huge unknown territory and it's scary. I'm not quite sure I like the person I'm growing into. I don't know. I'm scared of change to tell you the truth and all this year has been is one huge change and it makes me so uncomfortable. I don't know what I want from life. Le sigh. Maybe things will start clearing themselves up. I really wish Devin would just leave me the hell alone. I mean yeah I still care for him, it's hard not to, he was a huge part of my life. But frankly I'm sick of it. I don't want him to come visit me Sunday, I don't care that he's going into the army and that I'll prolly never see him again. I just don't care. Where do I go from here? Current Mood: cranky (1 learned to fly | take these broken wings)
Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
12:33 am	I would stop time so we don't move... FRIENDS ONLY Comment to be added (take these broken wings)
Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
7:56 pm	Click Click Boom... New OLP album Aug. 30! I'm excited. Anyways, in other interesting news. Leslie left a comment on my livejournal saying she wants to talk with me. Hm. It's all very strange and intruging. I have a slight fear that she will kick my ass. My last day at DQ is the 17th. It is so weird thinking about not going in there every day or so. I'm so sad that I won't see Travis anymore. I have such a huge crush on him. Tasha offered to keep me on payroll so I can work during breaks, but I don't know if it'll ever be the same as it is right now. Ha. Look at me getting all sad over leaving DQ when all I do is complain about having to go to work. Things are kind of hectic. Hopefully everything will be resolved soon. Current Mood: chipper (take these broken wings)
Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
12:23 am	All your lies weren't enough to keep me here... So...I went and saw Devin today, well actually yesterday as it is now July 12! but that's beside the point. I don't know how I feel. I thought seeing him would give me closure but it's just made me feel all wishy washy and uneasy. I hate how he can still sit there and call me on my bullshit when some of my best friends can't do that. I hate how he's Devin and that never changes. I can never make him unimportant in my mind. He's always Devin, my friend, my confidant. I friggin hate that. I hate that I don't know what I want to do about this situation when it should be so easy. I should want to be done with it. I told him it was too bad we couldn't be friends anymore and he just huffed and rolled his eyes. I don't know we both hurt each other. We both screwed with the other's lives. What am I supposed to do or think? In the end, he's still Devin. Why did I ever have to kiss him. If I'd never kissed him I wouldn't be having this problem. Where do I go from here? I'm now 19. I'm friggin old. New Harry Potter in four days! Current Mood: messed up (2 learned to fly | take these broken wings)
Friday, July 1st, 2005
3:12 pm	You didn't want me. I don't know why I'm so surprised... So, I was happy. Life was going well. And now everything's falling down, down, down. The family and I are not getting along at all. Devin's on my mind again. And the fourth of July is coming up and I have to close at work. Last year on the fourth, Tim had sex with a girl that wasn't me. He was supposed to have spent the fourth with me, but I hadn't wanted to go out with his friends, so instead he went out, got drunk, and had sex. Man, how depressing. Why can't things ever work out. Orientation at Bloomingtion was awesome. I'm so excited for college. Well, time for work yet again. Ugh. Later days. Current Mood: blah (1 learned to fly | take these broken wings)
Thursday, June 16th, 2005
1:44 pm	I have a confession to make... Last night was fun. I'm a happy Ashley. So, I had a blind date last night. Nina wanted to go out with a boy but didn't want to go alone, so he brought a friend and she brought me. He was cute. I was happy. I'm hoping he calls. But yeah, excited to have actually gone on a date. I haven't done that since the Devin days. Hm. Therapy was very insightful today. Monday is King's Island. I'm excited. Rollercosters are my friends. And the three hour road trip should be interesting. DQ is lonely without Jeb. I miss him. Nathan, Travis, Drew and Jason are fun, but I still miss Jeb. I went to the bookstore and there are so many books I want to read. Our library has no good books. It makes me sad. Still with the glasses for another two weeks. I hope my eyes fix themselves soon. I hope he calls. Later days. Current Mood: content Current Music: Foo Fighters (in my head) (take these broken wings)
Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
12:26 pm	Let's run away babe, you and I... So things are starting to look up. It makes me really happy that things aren't completely sucking. Last night was friggin amazing. Nina came home yesterday, which is a good thing no matter what, but then we went in to Peru to check on Jake cos he wasn't doing so well. Then we decided to go to Luke's. Oh man, that was fun even though we didn't do anything besides sit on the side of the pool and watch the boys attempt to shoot hoops. And oh God, my crush on Kevin will never ever die. I had a crush on him in like 7th grade before he moved, and now he's grown his hair out and gah. Such a friggin babe. But it was fun and warm and I wish I could've stayed later. Nina and Luke are hanging out today, which is exciting, because it's Nina and Luke. I started running again yesterday, and man it's so hard to get back into shape. This morning wasn't as bad as yesterday, but ugh, it's tiring. Olive Garden with Kaley tonight. Hell yeah. Current Mood: happy (1 learned to fly | take these broken wings)
Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
2:44 pm	Into the desert... Life is not my friend right now. Sunday/Early Monday was amazing concert. I knew GC would rock my socks, but I was surprised that Simple Plan was amazing. I had so much fun. And I have in my possession a picture of me with the one and only Billy Martin!! I was a happy girl you have no idea. Grad in 12 days! I can't wait to get out. I need to be better. Current Mood: blah (1 learned to fly | take these broken wings)
Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
8:29 pm	All your lies weren't enough to keep me here... Ugh, I hate how much this hurts. I hate that I know this is the right thing to do and no matter how much easier it would be to go back I can't. So, I told Leslie about Devin and I. She didn't believe me, and they are still together, pretending to be happy as can be. Blah, how pathetic. I miss him, how pathetic am I? I hate how a joke can hit you so hard and you realize that yes, I am like that and it makes you really frickin sick. Prom was fun. I looked hot like whoa. It was rather boring, besides hanging out with my friends. I wish I could fix Andrea. Or any of my friends for that matter. I'm trying to be strong. I hope it works. Current Mood: bored Current Music: Not my Home-Katy Pfaffl (1 learned to fly | take these broken wings)
Thursday, April 21st, 2005
3:15 pm	Chin up, soldier... Oh God, today could not have sucked more, not that I didn't already know it would. I had planned on telling Leslie everything at lunch. But second hour I went to the restroom and she was there and everything came out. She just started crying. I know that's a logical thing to do, but it caught me off guard. Here I am standing in the bathroom with Leslie crying and me waiting for her to punch me. She didn't though. She just left. So now it's out and everyone knows. Two of my soccer friends won't talk to me. Devin definitely won't talk to me. Zach is unsure. And Andrea is being weird even though she told me to tell Leslie. The best part was when I was walking back from lunch and people who I thought were my friends, made a circle around Leslie, like I was going to fucking attack her. *Sighs* I knew things wouldn't be easy if I told her, I guess I just didn't think about how hard things would actually be. Well I don't have to go back to school til Monday thanks to intern, unless I skip since it's Senior skip day. I don't even want to go to prom anymore since everyone's acting so weird. In four months I'll be gone, I shouldn't stress so much. So sorry, it's over Current Mood: sad (take these broken wings)
Wednesday, April 20th, 2005
9:27 pm	Swallow your fear and get on with it... Oh, tomorrow's going to be hard and scary, but I know this need's to be done. She's in love with him and she has a right to know he's cheating on her. It doesn't make things easier though. Today was hard. I had the fourth grader's ask me if I used to cut myself. So I had to talk about that. Then I learned that some of them have/had. It's just so hard to imagine. What's the future going to be like if ten year olds are cutting themselves. Prom is a few days away and I have no idea how I'm going to do my hair. Hopefully I'll figure something out. Work tomorrow, I'm not really looking forward to it, but it's money so. Things with Jeb are kind of there. I don't know how I feel about the kid. It doesn't matter, he's leaving once summer arrives so I shouldn't worry. First speech Monday and last one Wednesday. I'm nervous, but ready to be done. Oh graduation, you're so close. Well, it's off to go to bed. Later days! Current Mood: scared (1 learned to fly | take these broken wings)
Saturday, April 9th, 2005
5:07 pm	It's you and me and all the other people... Nina and I are going to see GC May 8th! Yay! I'm going to prom with Jeb in a sexy yellow dress! Yay! Life is well. I've been working basically all week. I am dead. Especially today. I didn't have one minute to stop and think. Travis M. is getting hired on. This is strange. He and Devin are best friends. I don't know if he knows about our fling. Not sure how this will work out. I'm so relieved that Devin isn't getting hired on yet though. I would die. Spring Break ends tomorrow. I am sad, but ready to get the last six and a half weeks over with. Things are looking up. Current Mood: content (take these broken wings)
Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
8:58 pm	Doesn't that sound familiar... Ugh, life is right back to kicking my ass. Really, I'm trying my damn best, but life just doesn't seem to care. No New York for me. *sighs* I did ask Drew to go see a movie with me, but alas he has a girlfriend. So that sucks. My brake pads on my car were shot, but thank God, I got those fixed with the help of my father. I don't know, I'm just so fed up with everything right now. Everything I wanted isn't happening and nothing changes no matter how hard I try. I keep thinking of Devin which is never good. But god, why couldn't I just have been enough? Why couldn't I have been worth waiting for? I'm just bitter and pessimistic and it's annoying. Spring Break in three days. I'm ready. Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: The Background-Third Eye Blind (1 learned to fly | take these broken wings)
Thursday, March 24th, 2005
10:46 pm	Where do you go when you're gone.... ( College stuff ) Anyways, good things are happening. I was about three seconds from asking Drew out on Friday. Oh well, we work together Sunday so that excites me. Maybe I'll finally ask him. Oh, I might get to go to New York with Brittany over spring break, which would be awesome. Well, I have to be up to go to breakfast with Nina tomorrow so I'm off. Later days Current Mood: stressed (1 learned to fly | take these broken wings)
Monday, March 21st, 2005
9:29 pm	Another competition to win... So, I had been having a hard time with life recently. Yesterday, I thought would be no different, and on top of everything I had to go in to work. I did not want to go. I get there and I'm just kind of floating around when I pass the kitchen area. I expect to see Caleb, but did I? Hell no, I met Drew. Drew is a very tall, very skinny, soccer playing junior. Omg! Thank you world, for giving me the wonder that is Drew. And we had a conversation! Yes, this is me happy and excited. I can't even explain how much of a crush I have on this kid. My goal is, since I'm stuck here by my lonesome of spring break, to ask him to see a movie with me. So, that gives me two weeks to be sexy and charming. I'm so motivated. I even went to the gym tonight and shaved my legs. I'm so going to win over his heart. So, life is good. Intern wasn't even all that bad today. I'm heading down to Bloomington on Wednesday. Everything's just fixing itself. Thank you world, for giving me a break when I really needed it. Wish me luck. Later days! Current Mood: excited (1 learned to fly | take these broken wings)
Monday, March 14th, 2005
10:36 pm	I would change the world for you if I could... Good things have been happening, but so have so many bad things. Most days it feels like the bad out weighs the good. I know this isn't true, but it's how it feels in my head and in my heart. I hate how it has become impossible for me to be happy here in my own house. I hate how I'm never good enough for my parents. I wish they could just trust me and let me have some freedom. Part of me just wants to come home Wednesday, pack my things, leave and never look back. I'm just that tired of things now. I feel like I'm fighting this impossible war and it's taking every last part of me in the process. Can it be college now? Nina and I went over to Luke's today. I hate how I can't control my flirting. I want Nina to be happy. If anyone deserves it, it's her. I hope things work out between them. I want Devin to be happy. I want to be happy, too. The two put together though ends up contridicting itself. Why can't things just work out? Why can't I just get over him? For fuck's sake, why does it have to hurt so damn much? This week is going to be hard. I can feel it. It's going to be hard and emotionally draining, but I know I have to go through this. That this is supposed to teach me something, but it doesn't make me want to go through it anymore. This song is making me cry. When do things start looking up? Later days! Current Mood: sad Current Music: Wisteria-Richard Shindell (2 learned to fly | take these broken wings)
Friday, March 11th, 2005
2:33 pm	Running is getting me nowhere... The week is finally over. This makes me so increadibly happy. Tomorrow night is Beatnik's with my Nina, which also makes me happy. It has been such a shitty week. I just need to curl up in some covers and fix myself. I wish I could just not care about the whole Kaley situation, but I do. It makes me so mad that she's blown this so out of proportion. Whatever. I guess things with us are just done. I have a crush on a boy which is strange. Having a crush on someone other than Devin. I'm starting to get over him. I don't constantly feel the urge to talk with him. Still, when he looks at me, but eventually that'll pass too. I have to work tonight. Blah, I don't want to work on a Friday. Oh well, I get to work with Jeb, so that makes me happy. Later days! Current Mood: irritated Current Music: Alien-Bush (1 learned to fly | take these broken wings)